How Bad a Housewife Are You Really?
There has been some talk lately about housewife slug and drudgery, slobs and slovenliness, gross and grotyness. I've yet to meet a woman who says, "My house is clean all the time. I love it." Ok, so I have met one, but she's a little nuts, so we can't count her. And if you can say your house is clean all the time because you pay somebody else to clean it, well, happy day for you, but you don't count in this experiment either. So here's the thing. With all of these claims of grotesque funkiness in the home, I usually do not come across what I would expect when I visit other women's homes. Granted, I normally do not just show up unannounced to do home inspections, but even if I did, I often feel like nobody's house would be as bad as mine gets. Mine is not always bad. Don't get me wrong. I do try, especially when my son tells me he is going commando because he couldn't find any clean underwear. The guilt within me swells, and then it gets bigger when I realize I am only trying to keep track of one little guy's Spiderman tighty whities, and then I'm off on a flurry of activity that leaves plenty of clean smelling Justice League friends all snuggled together in his drawer. I often ask myself, What do y'all do with multiple bums that need multiple Superhero protection? Anyway, as Dr. Phil would say, let's get real. Ok, I don't actually know if Dr. Phil says that, but it sounds like something he would say, and plus, it's a great transition line into what I want to do today. Today, I want everybody to take a little quiz about housekeeping. You don't have to reveal your score, or anything, but I just want to put this whole "Me oh my, my house is a wreck" conversation into some perspective. Here we go. Choose one answer from every category that best describes your housekeeping habits. Bathrooms Your bathrooms gets swished and swiped daily, with a weekly Clorox cocktail for the bowl. 1 point Your bathroom gets swished and swiped twice a week, with a biweekly Clorox coctail for the bowl. 2 points You wipe the toothpaste off your sink when you notice it's turned into a hardened crust, you wipe the counters/whatever when there are water marks from the dried puddles that sat there for 2 days, with a once a month Clorox cocktail for the bowl. 5 points. You wipe the counters/whatever when you no longer feel envrionmentally safe in the bathroom, with a Clorox cocktail for the bowl only when you've noticed a discolored ring around the bowl and the dried poop sticking to the underside of the seat. 10 points. Kitchen Your sink gets shined daily, sometimes twice daily. Your dishwasher gets emptied daily, sometimes twice daily, and your floors get mopped once a week. 1 point Your sink gets shined once a week, your dishwasher gets emptied when your sink is too full to put anything else in there, and your floors get mopped biweekly.2 points Your sink occasionally gets shined, that is, once you finally are able to load the dishwasher you loaded last week because you finally used all the clean dishes directly from the dishwasher. Your floors get mopped once a month, or whenever the sticky spots get so bad they can actually pull the shoe off your foot when you step on them. 5 points Your sink gets shined after you empty it because the dishes in there have sat so long there are now fruit flies buzzing around the molding food on the dishes. You have long since forgotten what color your floor really is. 10 points Laundry You do laundry daily, except Sunday, of course, because you have prepared on Saturday while humming "Saturday is a special day" all afternoon, and there is no such thing as the mismatched sock drawer. There is never laundry left in the washer or dryer overnight, and all laundry is immediately put away once folded. Your children NEVER go commando. Or naked. 1 point You do laundry about 3-4 times a week, with the occasional mismatched sock, but you never leave laundry in the washer or the dryer, and will only leave folded laundry in the basket for about a day. 2 points You do laundry when you notice you are running low on undergarments, your child has worn the same shorts 3 days in a row, and you have spent the last 2 days fishing slightly rumpled clothing out of the dirty clothes hamper. You are required to do at least 6-7 loads in one day just to catch up, and spend the entire evening folding at least 50 pounds of laundry. Sadly, you are so exhausted from the ordeal that you leave the clean laundry in several baskets to be put away at a later time. You know, 5 days later. 5 points You do laundry only when your offspring asks you, "What's that smell?" and you realize it is the wet laundry that you have left in your washer for 3 days that now has living things growing on it. The folded laundry left over from the last time you did laundry has now been completely used up from the basket, and you have long since purchased new undergarments and some wardrobe additions because everything else in the house is dirty. As you finally drag yourself around the doing the laundry, a task that fills the entire day and continues into the night because you have to do it at the laundromat to accomodate the sheer volume, you frequently find yourself saying, "Oh, I forgot about that shirt!" 10 points. Ok, count 'em up, and see if any of these things describe you. I am, of course, using the most unbiased and scientific methods I have gleanded from the most superior, upstanding scientific publications, such as 'Glamour' and 'Cosmopolitan' magazines. 3-5 points. Please, please, please drop the charade of bad housewife. Glory in your superior housekeeping skills and gleaming sinks. Worship at the shrine of FlyLady, for she has truly taught you well. Inhale the righteousness of Pine Sol and Clorox Bleach. 6-9 points. Really, you are not doing as badly as you might think. Most of your life is under much better control than you suppose, and it is only the occasional mishap that pulls you under. Remember who you are and what you stand for, re-read your FlyLady testimonials, and perservere in your endeavors. Oh, and you can't have the label of bad housewife either, by the way. 10-15 points. Ok, you are definitely pushing your way towards ultimate slughood, but you are not there yet. There are still way too many redeming features in your character to really give you BHW status. 15-30 points. Bad Housewife, we honor you! You are truly not lying when you say your house is icky, and we salute you for it. You go girl.